Social Anxiety Disorder

There are days when I have the hardest time just getting up and getting out of bed. I know that there are a million things I need to do, a million responsibilites that I need to take care of, my kids, my house, my job, my husband.  The list goes on and on.  Over the past few months things have spiraled out of control for me. Choices I have made and life hitting hard have made things difficult for me.  They have also increased my anxiety and my depression has deepened.  It has been recently that I have been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. 

I make no secret on my profile that I deal with anxiety and depression.  They fuel my emotional eating or lack of eating depending on the kind of stressor.  They make it so I struggle to leave the house and go to church or even Wal-mart without my husband. There are days when I have to talk myelf into going to the gym to meet with my trainer.  I don't cancel on these days because I know the endorphin payoff is gonna be good and I have never regretted going.
I was talking with my therapist (yes I have one of those too...immensely helpful and has helped me make more progress in the last month than just about anything else out there) and he suggested that I look into Social Anxiety Disorder.  So I googled it. OMG!!! I was reading page after page of me. How I felt. How I reacted to things.  How this was something that I could overcome.  Symptom and behavior after behavior and symptom fit me to a T.  I felt sad that I have this and then I felt hope that I could overcome it.

My most recent bout with this Anxiety Disorder is when I went to a church function for my oldest daughters. They work hard all year long on various projects and goals. At the end of the year they get to display and show off some of their hard work.  My oldest daughter is a writer. She wrote poem after poem about her life and struggles and successes.  It is beautiful. My second oldest is a dancer.  She worked so hard to go en pointe in ballet.  She also loves ballroom dancing.  She is a gorgeous dancer.  This is one talent I was excited to see her display.  I haven't been to church in a while, the anxiety is just too high in a large group of people and our church meets at a time when Ken is working.  Next year we will switch to an 11 time and he will be able to come with me. I showed up and everyone there was so loving and welcoming and overwhelming. I didn't want people to know that I was panicking (part of the disorder) and so I was trying hard to just interact with them. As we got started the panic had already set it.  I was shaking in my chair. My daughters noticed and asked if I was ok.  I told them no, that I was having some anxiety.  They tried to calm me down, but it was too late.  The room was freezing cold, yet when I got up to stand in the back of the room to try and breathe, it was sweltering hot and I was struggling to get my racing heart to slow down and not hyperventilate. I finally had to leave the room that I was in.

I texted my husband but he was sleeping.  It was late and he had to work early the next day.  I texted a friend I met here on MFP.   Tracy was available.  She just texted with me and talked with me until I was finally able to calm down enough I could breathe and face the room.  I couldn't go back in until the program was done, but I did have a little ice cream with the group and then gathered my chicks and went home and curled up with Ken.  Bless him, he is so understanding.  His wife is a little looney and he just doesn't care.  He loves me anyway and tries to be understanding.

The part I find the most frustrating is that this disorder is taking away from me parts of me that I have always had.  I have always been willing to stand in front of a crowd and talk.  Public speaking was never an issue with me.  I loved to go to the mall, or WalMart or just drive around on my own.  I can't do that now.  I think eventually I will be able to get back to that, but it is going to take time. It has made it so I am isolated from my friends.  I have recently met a friend who is understanding of my anxiety and willing to work with me when I need to just go or have a quiet moment to regroup.  i am very grateful for her. Part of the disorder is knowing that you have an irrational fear but are just unable to overcome the fear. I know this.  The logical side of my brain says that it is silly and just let it go.  The emotional side of me just hangs on for dear life to it becuase OMG what if......  I have always been able to just be open and friendly.  The personality you see online is me in real life.  I don't change it up becuase I am online.  I am just regular me. What you see is what you get. I want to be the gregarious Brandy that I have always been again.  Not trapped in anxiety.  
So to my friends here. One: thanks for reading all that. Holy Cow you are true friends. Two:  Know that this sometimes fuels my craziness on here...Like when I delete at random and then have to turn around and say sorry....I didn't really want to do that.  UGH, its a pride swallowing event and I do appreciate you adding me back.  Three: Thanks for being patient with me. Four: My husband is such a great guy.  I love him with all my heart.  I couldn't do this without him. And Five: I couldnt do this without all the great encouragement I get from everyone here. I love you all and appreciate your friendship.   

Read more on Social Anxiety Disorder: http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-social-anxiety-disorder