Reflections

Laying here in the dark (it's 6 a.m.) and reflecting and thinking about my day has made my need to write overwhelming. I have crept out of bed and want to put my thoughts here for you all to read and perhaps find an inspiration for your needs.  As I was watching my friend compete tonight my desire was made that much stronger to do this all again. I watched her take the stage, walk with pride, and win first place her first time out. To say I was proud seems almost condescending because I am not her mother but I am her friend and felt pride and happiness like I would for my child accomplishing something huge and great and wonderful. So congratulations to my beautiful best friend Heather. I think we should take your trophy and run around the neighborhood and yell at the top out lungs "SHE WON! SHE WON!"or "I WON!! I WON!" as would be the case for you. Celebrate and enjoy your win. You earned that trophy and deserve to stand there with it in your hand and that beautiful smile on your face.

Sorry, I know the photo is a little fuzzy and does not do this beautiful lady justice but she is amazing in my book. 

As I was watching her and sitting in that audience watching those people put themselves out there for scrutiny and judging I come to realize there is much that is left from my divorce that feeds my psyche and has stopped me from continuing my training like I need to do to get back on stage. I was talking of some of my experiences and heartache from that day that was supposed to be all about me and how it had been lessened by little things. The anger and hurt came back up and this wonderful man that I am dating said to me how sorry he was that those things happened. It wasn't for him to apologize. For goodness sakes, the man didn't even KNOW me then. But hearing him say how sorry he was that the parts that had lessened the experience had happened seemed to make it better. My heart lighter. My mind more at ease. My spirit healed. And my commitment more resolved. 

As I come to grips with what I was facing at this tulmutuous  time in my life and understand how far reaching it's effects were and are. I know it will simply take time to overcome them. These emotions and mental blocks are not going to continue to be my reality--I am stronger than them. I am the conquerer! The winner! The one who will do it! My mother had a coffee mug when I was growing up that she has passed to me that has a picture of a woman on it with her hands in the air celebrating a success and the caption on the cup says "If it's gonna be, it's up to me!" It's silly how little things like an insignificant coffee mug can have an effect on the view you take. She gave me this cup at a time when I needed it most, and I love it when I use it. I think of her and her drive and determination to be the best she could be and how she taught me to strive for the top, whatever that may be to me. 

So as my cup runneth over with gratitude and joy I want to tell those that have inspired me, held my hand while I cried, celebrated my happy moments, cheered me on, and held me up when I was weak--I thank you.